Warped, and Proud of it.

The Manifold Misadventures of Sir Ragnarok Waffle-Bacon III: Part 3

2010-09-30T12:58:00.004-04:00

The continuation of my life's history. For part one click here, for part 2 click here.

It took young Ragnarok a considerable amount of time to locate the building where he now lived, but it took two days to find his room within it-they had gotten Escher as the architect. Fortunately he had thought to bring food, but he was nonetheless exhausted when he finally located his room. Upon entering, he noticed that the room was mushroom-shaped, with the door in the "stalk" and two beds along the walls near the tip, with a nightstand between them. A young man, presumably his roommate Gauss, was sitting at a desk on the left-hand side, looking pensively over several pages of equations he appeared to have scribbled. He gave no signal whatsoever that he noticed Ragnarok.

"Hello," Ragnarok said tentatively.

The young man ignored him.

"Hello," Ragnarok said again with a bit more force, but still he was ignored.

Supposing the young man might be deaf, Ragnarok went up behind him and tapped him lightly on the shoulder. He gave a tremendous start, then glared at Ragnarok.

"You cannot see that I am working?"

"I'm sorry, I just thought you should know-apparently I'm your new roommate."

"Let me see your papers," the young man demanded, and Ragnarok handed them over. "I'm fairly certain I've got the right room. That would make you Carl Freidrich Gauss, would it not?"

The young man did not respond, but his expression grew increasingly more disgusted as he scanned the papers. "Well, unfortunately that does seem to be in order. I had hoped perhaps you would be one of the ones who did not make it-"

"Excuse me, but to clarify-you are Gauss, are you not?"

The young man glared resentfully at him for a few moments before responding. "First off all, never, ever interrupt me. Secondly, yes, I am. As I was saying, I was hoping you might be one of the ones who did not make it to their rooms, but unfortunately not."

"Some people never make it to their rooms?" Ragnarok asked incredulously.

"Certainly," Gauss responded. "Nearly half, actually. They had Escher design this place for a reason, you know."

"But what happens to the people who don't make it?"

"I don't know. I expect they starve to death, or something like that," said Gauss.

"You didn't bother to find out?" Ragnarok asked.

"Of course not. It's not like it was going to happen to me-it only took me a couple of hours to figure out. It took you several days, I imagine?"

"Two," Ragnarok said, feeling slightly ashamed.

"I suppose it doesn't really matter, though... right, as long as you're here, let's get this straight: I am to be left alone save in life-threatening circumstances, and this room is to remain quiet at all times. Any attempt to engage me will be an exercise in futility. Clear?"

"Yes, but there is one thing I would like to say before we assume our vow of silence."

Gauss hesitated a moment before saying, "Proceed."

"You've made a mistake," said Ragnarok.

"What?"

"You've made a mistake," Ragnarok repeated. "Your equation-see right there, unless you're assuming that two plus two equals five, you've made an error."

Gauss looked back at the paper, then slowly back at Ragnarok. He repeated the process a couple of times, his expression becoming increasingly frustrated, before he finally burst.

"Get out. Out! I can't concentrate with you in here; I'll only be making more mistakes. Out!"

"It's my room as well," Ragnarok said quietly. "But I believe it would no longer be... prudent for me to remain." He exited calmly, disregarding the lamp that smashed the doorframe near his head as he exited.

The Manifold Misadventures of Ragnarok Waffle-Bacon III: Part 2

2010-09-14T21:25:00.001-04:00

The continuation of my life's history. Click here for Part 1.

As the months passed, young Ragnarok slowly became accustomed to his new life. In fact, the other villagers began to look on him with a sense that was something like awe; himself being the only corporeal being among them, he had suddenly become highly extraordinary. But even so, he no longer felt entirely at home. Whenever he insisted that they, too, had once been like him, they would smile and nod and generally play along, but he could sense the pity behind these masks-they thought he was the one who had changed, and as such never seemed to take him seriously.

So when the time came, he was rather eager to leave for the House of Aeons Academy. It was where many of his village's inhabitants had gone for their education before the Change; now, however, he would be the first to go since it had happened. Fortunately, despite several years of neglect, there were still several space-worthy vessels belonging to the inhabitants of his village, and most of the owners were more than willing to lend them to him-none of the villagers traveled much anymore. As soon as his application cleared, he was off.

As he arrived, the teleport pod began to warm up automatically. He entered, and landed in the center of a classroom, in which a Theo-physical class was taking place. The teacher, noticing an addition to their class, instantly asked him: "What is the principle behind the current Theory Teleporter, the one which you appear to have so recently used?"

Without missing a beat, Ragnarok replied, "Convincing the nature of the universe that you are in a desired place, through rigorous proof and sheer will."

The teacher blinked, looking briefly taken aback, but quickly regained his composure. "Correct. The application of this theory proceeded directly from the genesis of the computer-assisted proof, which later was modified to do without human assistance, putting mathematicians out of a job, and allowing us to build Theory Teleporters. You are new?" When Ragnarok nodded, the teacher continued, "And you have been through none of the orientation? You have received no schedule, no living arrangement?"

Ragnarok shook his head. The teacher smiled devilishly, saying, "Yes, we prefer this method of introducing some of our students to our... educational experience. Don't worry, you'll be receiving a room and a schedule shortly-there should be someone waiting outside the classroom to take care of you. Go ahead, you're dismissed."

There was indeed someone waiting outside for him; as soon as he left the room, he heard someone ask if he was Sir Ragnarok Waffle-Bacon III. Turning to face the woman who had just spoken to him, he answered in the affirmative. She handed him an envelope full of papers.

"This contains all of your information-rooming situation, schedule-"

"Wait," Ragnarok interrupted, "You're saying my schedule is already made up? The first semester is all requirements?"

"Yes," the woman answered. "Anyway, here's your room key. Goodbye."

"Wh... you're not going to show me around at all, introduce me to anyone?"

"There's a map in the packet, and information on how to access our personnel directory," she said. "If you want to get to know someone, you can."

"All right, thanks, I guess..."

As the woman walked away, Ragnarok pulled a sheet of paper out of the packet. A quick scan revealed it to be his rooming situation; his eyes fell to the bottom, where he saw the name of his roommate.

"Carl Freidrich Gauss..."

... to be continued

The Manifold Misadventures of Sir Ragnarok Waffle-Bacon III

2010-08-30T19:06:00.001-04:00

What follows here is the story of my life. You may find reason to doubt its credibility, but I can assure you every word is unimpeachable truth. If you do not believe me, simply ask the voices in your head. They will know what is right. They always know...

It was a normal day for young Sir Ragnarok Waffle-Bacon III. He had bled the fish for their meat three times that day, as usual, eaten the laundry, and lit his teacher on fire just as he was asked (for which he received an A). While putting out his burning teacher, he started to hear screaming from the sky. At first he paid it no attention, but after a few moments he realized it sounded different than usual. He noticed that there was a pillar of smoke descending from the sky directly above him. As it feel, the people around him began to notice as the screaming grew louder and louder the closer it fell.

Suddenly, it struck the ground and exploded all over the town, covering all the inhabitants. Ragnarok could see vague silhouettes of nearby people, but as he watched, a fierce wind swept through the town, and the shadowy figures around him melted into the smoke. After a few moments, the smoke began to dissipate, and he could see people continuing to go about their business as usual-except all the towns' inhabitants had been transformed into a faint, insubstantial image of their former selves.

He asked the nearest person what they thought of what had just happened; they gave him a confused look and asked him what he was referring to. “The smoke, of course, and how you're all-well, you're different now,” Ragnarok said.

“Different? How do you mean?”

“Well, I can see through all of you now,” said Ragnarok, but the person he was speaking to still seemed confused.

“See through us? You mean, you can sense our intentions, or-”

“No, your physical bodies-they don't seem to be there anymore,” Ragnarok said.

The person looked taken aback; after a few moments, they said to him in a kindly tone, “But it's always been that way. I think it might be best if you went on home. Do your mother and father know where you are?”

“But your body-”

“-is perfectly fine. Perhaps we ought to get you to a doctor instead?”

“No, never mind,” Ragnarok said quickly. “I-I don't know what I was thinking. I'll just... go on home, then.” He bolted away before the stranger could say anything else.

... to be continued

If you liked this post, share it! Seriously, we're desperate here; if you share it, we will do things for you, things that are too shocking to be described on the internet. We don't care how you do it; facebook, twitter, burning the url on your neighbor's lawn-whatever. Just do it, and we'll make it worth your while.

DIE PRODUCTIVITY DIE: Pandora Radio

2010-08-26T23:37:00.002-04:00

We, being as eccentric as we are, must listen to eccentric music. But our horizons, though larger than most, are not all-encompassing. Therefore, we need some method of finding more. Enter, Pandora Radio:

Pandora

You create your own channels, by entering a song, or artist that you happen to like, and letting the program do the work. As the site chooses songs for you, you can alter it's choices by giving them a thumbs up, or thumbs down, according to your opinion of the piece. So go, find some music, and tell us what interesting things you find. We do have a comment box.

A Day in the Life.

2010-08-22T18:20:00.006-04:00

Jonathan was out walking one day through his neighborhood with his two best friends Adam and Elijah, as they often did. Whenever they passed one of his neighbors, they would all wave and say hello-and everybody ignored his friends, but said, "Hi, John!" as he walked by. After the sixth instance of this, Elijah said to Jonathan,"You should call Mr. Davis out on that, he can't just ignore us." Johnathan considered it for a moment, but Adam insisted that he not make a fuss. "He probably just didn't want to talk to people he didn't know."

“”He's seen us before, it's not like we're complete strangers,” Elijah grumbled, but the trio walked on. They soon came to a restaurant; they went inside and they were led to a table for only one person. Jonathan spoke up, telling the waitron that he had two friends that need seats as well, would he please lead them to another table, but the waitron merely looked at them strangely and ignored him. As they move themselves to a different table, they all agreed that the waitron was a very rude person. The waitron returned, visibly annoyed, and asked Jonathan what he would like to eat. "How did you know he was the only one who was hungry?" Elijah asked sarcastically, while Adam said, "Excuse me, sir, but I would like to order something as well." As the waitron continued to ignore his friends, Jonathan could take it no more. "Can't you see them? They're right there! Just take their orders," he yelled.

The waitron raised an eyebrow, and said," Sir, there is no-one there. Those seats are empty." As Jonathan continued to yell, they told him that if he did not quiet down, they would have to force him to leave. Jonathan glared at the waitron and stormed out of the building. As soon as he got outside, he immediately began yelling at people, asking them whether or not they could see his friends. Eventually, someone had the good sense to call the police, and he was rushed off to an insane asylum-they could not supply him with medication, as he was unable to pay. As he was taken away, he called out to his friends, pleading for them to come with him. But they just shook their heads as the car drove away. Even his cell, you could hear him say: "No, no, they're waiting for me, take me back, take me back, please, they need me......"

Fucking cat won't give me a blood sample!

2010-08-21T21:54:00.002-04:00

Bork

Have any of you ever tried to get a blood sample from a cat? It is a FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. Now, I do actually have reason for said sample, and I'm pretty sure that reason isn't psychosis. Pretty sure...

Any way, Charlie (said cat) is not particularly afraid of sharp objects (even a tiny prick would suffice for the sample), he simply hates everything that is not PETTING HIM CONSTANTLY. Sedation is out of the question, because that would cause to many impurities, and no one seams to be willing to hold him down. So I have fallen back to the plan I hoped I would never have to use. Asking him for the sample. So far, things have not been going so well with this course of action, as I neglected to consider that cats do not understand advanced linguistics in the slightest.

Now if only I could teach my cat to read, like that one guy from that place...

Bork

Offering him tea doesn't seem to work either...

DIE PRODUCTIVITY DIE: Binary

2010-08-19T19:27:00.001-04:00

Today's installment of DIE PRODUCTIVITY DIE is a game that accelerates the passage of time. We have spent what felt to be 30 minutes, only to look at the clock and find that FIVE hours have passed. Be warned, or not.

The game is called Binary, and it is about you, a blue-collar techie working on these giant, orbiting supercomputers which have failed. You are trying to get them back online through a series of mind-bending puzzles. It will steal your time, your life, and your soul.

Mmm... souls...

Oh, right, the game.

Play Binary

Hey, let's go steal his extra time!

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

2010-08-16T14:14:00.000-04:00

As you slowly gain consciousness, you realize you are looking down at what appears to be an office. You attempt to move, but nothing responds-you look around for the source of the problem, and you cannot see any limbs or body. Apparently, you are simply stuck to the ceiling. When you try to call for help, you realize you cannot make a sound-the people below you go about their business in complete ignorance of your plight. Panicking, you begin thrashing around with every ounce of energy in your body. You hear a slight rattling noise, and two of the office workers glance up at it.

“Think something might be in there?” one of them says.

“Could be," the other answers. "Call maintenance, have them check it out.”

A few minutes later, a man in a blue jumpsuit arrives carrying a ladder. He asks where it is; one of the workers points directly at you. “All right, I'll take a look,” the maintenance man says. “Sometimes an animal gets stuck up there-once had a bat fly right out at me. Just need to get the vent off here-” He reaches up towards you with a screwdriver in hand; you feel moderate pain as it turns on the surface of your body. One by one, you watch as he removes four screws from you. Then, he takes your entire body down from the ceiling, and places you on a desk. You catch a reflection of yourself in the glass of a nearby darkened computer monitor; the image is small, but unmistakable. You have become an air vent.

The maintenance man climbs back up the ladder, looking around the ventilation system for a few minutes before coming back down, shaking his head. “There's nothing there. Must have gone. He picks you back up, and you begin screaming and thrashing around as hard as you can-but you can make no noise, nor move a muscle. As he puts you back in place, your screaming becomes even more intense, amplified by the fear of eternal imprisonment.

The man pauses a moment, frowning. “Did you guys hear anything?” he asks the workers, but they all shake their heads. The maintenance man shrugs, saying, “Yeah, probably just imagined it.”

He puts you back in your place, there to remain for the rest of your life.

DIE PRODUCTIVITY DIE: Unixkcd

2010-08-12T10:51:00.001-04:00

This week, we bring you the work of one Randall Munroe. Adjectives aside from "genius" and "pure awesome" fail me, so I'll let his work do the talking:

Sometimes the humor relies heavily on prior knowledge of a mathematical or scientific concept; if you're a humanities person like myself, don't be turned off by that because the rest of the comics more than make up for those. Munroe has a demented sense of humor and is never afraid to explore the surreal, which has made for one of the best webcomics out there.

You know what? I'm talking too much. Just read it:

http://uni.xkcd.com/

Edward Gorey

2010-08-09T00:01:00.004-04:00

We've made our peace with the fact that we're rather creepy people. Our idea of a "relationship" is a pair of binoculars, adequate bush cover, and a bedroom window that never has the shades pulled. "Getting to know you" generally consists of rooting through your garbage and planting bugs in your home; whenever we try talking to people, "displaying social competence" means "not getting a restraining order".

So when we say someone is, well, creepy, we know what we're talking about. And who we're talking about is Edward Gorey, who writes poems like this:

The proctor buys a pupil ices,
And hopes the boy will not resist,
When he attempts to practice vices,
Few people even know exist

*Backs away slowly, smile frozen on face*

And yet... apparently, he was asexual. Which doesn't make that poem any less bizarre, but at least seems to rule out the fact that this was an outlet some sort of hidden desire to... uh... yeah. He was mainly weird for weirdness' sake.

Gorey also illustrated many rather disturbing children's books. This is his way of teaching kids the alphabet:

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs,
B is for Basil, assaulted by bears.

C is for Clara who wasted away,
D is for Desmond, thrown out of the sleigh.

And so on and so forth. One child for each letter of the alphabet. The best part is, there are pictures! Here's the first:

Yeah... this guy writes for children. Google books preview of The Gashlycrumb Tinies lives here; it goes all the way up through "K is for Kate who was struck with an axe". In the full book, one of the children drinks herself to death, another gets eaten alive by mice-the list goes on.

Unfortunately, Gorey died back in 2000, but he left behind a rather large body of work, most of which is listed here. Enjoy.

DIE PRODUCTIVITY DIE: Super Mario Crossover

2010-08-05T14:18:00.003-04:00

As we all know, the internet is for procrastination. And since we know some of you are quite impatient to get started on doing nothing, DIE PRODUCTIVITY DIE will be appearing here each week to bring you the best time-wasters on the internet.

Today's installment is... Super Mario Crossover! That's right, some guy has built a version of Super Mario Bros. where you can play as Samus, Link, Mario, Mega Man, Simon (CastleVania), or Bill R. from Contra. If you don't know who any of those are... it's still an awesome game. My personal favorite is Bill; once he gets the spread gun from the fire flower, he can mow down almost anything in his path. There are few things more satisfying than watching him vomit death onto a horde of advancing Goombas. But Link is pretty fun as well, and I like Samus a lot after she gets her fire flower power-up. You can't really go wrong with Mega Man, either-any video-game character that can learn to shoot blasts of fire that large is pretty good in my book.

Screw it, they're all good. Given that you can play as six different classic characters, and the fact that it's, well, Mario, this thing is downright addictive. Here it is:

Super Mario Crossover

Coleoptera Rising

2010-08-02T12:06:00.001-04:00

You are fighting a rebellion against your beetle overlords, which attach themselves to the faces of their victims and take control of their minds. Late in the war, you have penetrated their main hive, but you are in dire need of assistance. Running down a hallway, the ceiling is suddenly split open to the sky, and you see a large, red-armored arm through the rift. Someone yells, "It's Lord Krishna!", at which point you become aware that a large Minotaur is right next to you, wielding a battle axe. You both run ahead into a large, open room with a high ledge leading to the roof, and some windows across from you.

Running into this room, you are prepared to fight the last of the beetles when suddenly, you hear rain, and from the high ledge that led to the roof began to spill huge larval, neon-colored blobs. The minotaur jumps up onto the ledge and begins destroying them , but the blobs keep coming, and suddenly you realize you are holding over twenty pounds of TNT. You begin to light these explosives and throw them up in an attempt to blast the blobs to pieces. It works, and the minotaur is unharmed, despite being within feet of a dynamite blast.

Then you notice that the side of the room that the beetles were approaching from is not only filled with many beetle-inhabited people, but by a creeping, living darkness. You run, and climb out the windows, careful to open it only enough to allow your frame to pass. Unfortunately, this forces you to leave the minotaur stranded. You are hanging out the window at this point, and, looking to your left, you see a beetle scuttling along the side of the building. It jumps at your face; you let go, falling, the building sweeping by, and you begin unraveling like an old sweater, with the last bits falling apart the moment you hit the ground.

DIE PRODUCTIVITY DIE

2010-07-29T13:03:00.000-04:00

As we all know, the internet is for procrastination. And since we know some of you are quite impatient to get started on doing nothing, DIE PRODUCTIVITY DIE will be appearing here each week to bring you the best time-wasters on the internet.

First installment: a simple sinewave synthesizer triggered by an ordinary 16step sequencer. For those of you who don't know what the hell that means (e.g. me), it makes pretty sounds and lights up, and you get to control the sounds and lights-in short, IT'S A SHINY! Go play with it:

http://lab.andre-michelle.com/tonematrix

The Rising Sun

2010-07-27T15:13:00.000-04:00

You fall asleep, and when you wake up, you're on the playground surrounded by ten-foot technicolor scorpions. So you water the jungle gym to make it grow tall enough for you to climb it and escape to Saturn, where they make you their god. Ten years later, you return to Earth with an invading fleet at your back, only to find that the zombie apocalypse has happened, and the only humans left are kept in suspended animation and farmed for their delicious, chewy brains. You order your scientists to create the best warriors they can from the zombies; a month later, they have engineered 20-foot undead cyborgs that wield flaming chainsaws. You are preparing to launch your an invasion of the universe when a Saturnian who worships not you, but the High Pancake Divinity, launches a War of the Righteous against you in the name of His Holy Flapjacks. They battle their way to your throne room, where you are then eaten alive by the angriest, pinkest brass telescope you have ever seen.

In Which We Perform Dangerous Scientific Experiments on Ourselves, Which May or May Not Severely Alter Our Physiologies

2010-07-25T20:53:00.005-04:00

Actually, it's just one of us (Iapetus), and he's experimenting with something called polyphasing. Links? Links:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyphasic_sleep

http://www.poly-phasers.com/enter.php

For those of you too lazy to click on the goddamn links, here's Iapetus' take:

"You simply sleep many times a day, for very short periods of time. In doing this, you momentarily(for a few days) undergo sleep deprivation, after which your body acclimates, and you can then get a full night's sleep out of two hours of naps. I'm doing this with three naps a day, which I have timed perfectly so that I can section each day into three parts, adding up to more than my original 16 hours of wake time. You actually gain time each day. Oh, and click on the goddamn links. They're worth reading."

Thanks, Iapetus. As for why you shouldn't try it, well, apparently, it can play havoc with your growth hormones if you are under 18. Or over. But it's well worth the risk; after all, this is science we're talking about here, people. Science! You like science, don't you?

Try it. Go on, experiment a little; it won't hurt you.

Probably. We think.

Well, if you're going to be like that about it...

Iapetus@home~$ python Polyphase_Export.py

There. We said it in Python, now you have to do it. THE SNAKE COMMANDS YOU!

Seriously, though, the human mind is capable of some very interesting things. If it were active for longer, even just a couple of hours per day, added up over a lifetime-think of what you could accomplish with that time. Now apply that to the human race, and think about all the societal, technological, and cultural advancements we could with all that extra time.

Or we might just piss it away by faffing about on the internet, which is probably what I'd end up doing anyway.

Salutations

2010-07-21T18:53:00.003-04:00

Madness, corruption, general randomness-this is what this blog will be, a swirling vortex of pure insanity that will leave your mind reeling and broken, but intrigued as well. There are horribly sick, sick people in the world, and we are two of them. We blog because it makes the voices in our heads happy, which is the same reason we do anything. Also, because we can.

We warp and distort your minds, not because we actually have to, and not for your own good, but because we think it's funny. We're completely delusional, spending most of our time in places far, far beyond reality-you'll be taken to some of those places yourself. So please, ladies and gentlemen, keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times-or use your telekinetic powers to expand the vehicle so it can accommodate your limbs. Here, it's your choice.

-Lord Ashendale and Iapetus